THE DREAD, THE DREAD

I am going to be completely honest here. I feel like a fucking failure. I feel like I am paralyzed with this project and I am doing nothing and getting nothing done and I'm trapped by my own ability to sound like I know what I'm doing even when I don't have a god damn clue. I don't know what I'm doing. I really, really, really don't know what I'm doing.

I don't have to do a stop motion. I barely know how to do a stop motion and it will take forever and it's not a guarantee that it will even be good or that anyone will know what I am trying to say with it. I could do an animation, but I don't fucking know how to do that. I could do a painting. A PAINTING. I'm not in the fucking art department. It's not like the art students are going to do a simple branding project for THEIR BFAs.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

I thought maybe if I typed it three times then it would be like the Wizard of Oz and I would magically appear on the other side of May, unscathed.

I'm pretty sure I can do this. I'm pretty sure it won't be that hard. But I'm not 100% sure. And I don't want to look like a fool. And I don't want to disappoint every single person who likes me enough to show up at this stupid thing at the end of the semester.

A semester is long. The days have slipped by and slipped by. I have achieved the monumental task of figuring out what I WANT to do. Now I can't, for the life of me, figure out HOW to do it. How to get it done. I'm doing this internship and I have these other classes and I live in this enormous house with my boyfriend and our three roommates. All I can think about is how one day, hopefully so soon, I will have a job and earn a salary and we'll have our own place. But I have to clear this hurdle, and I don't know if it will have even the slightest little bit to do with getting a job later on. I care about my project and I love its imaginary little self to death, but it doesn't exist yet. It needs to EXIST.